FYI...

I have added posts in April, May and June...so take a look if you want. I am going to be working backwards for a while to May of 2007 so I can get caught up with the pics I have on this new computer. Everything I have of Brook and Ty (ages 0-3 years) picture wise has been printed out and came from a different computer. I still have to get caught up on that!...ahhhhhhh At least this blogging provides an easy way to journal/scrapbook and keep family and friends informed. I have heard you can print up "blog books" and that is my intention!

Praise Ye the Lord!

So we had our 341 meeting on Tuesday and it was a breeze. I had prepared mentally for every possible question and answer the trustee would ask for a month and NONE were asked. The BK looks like it will go through without a hitch, but I will have a better idea in a week. I did a BUNCH of worrying for nothing...as usual.

The 60 days has past that the birth father could come forward for Lincoln and so now we just wait for finalization and the temple! Yea!

The other night I was just spent at the end of the day and needed to break away. Justin put the kids to bed and I went out by myself to think (I really stormed out). I was just certain that I needed to find something else to do in order to feel happy...outside of being a mom. I was NOT consistently finding the "joy" in motherhood and was very distraught. I was getting itchy (to do something else) before Lincoln came and when he did...I felt humbled and sure Heavenly Father wanted me to focus only on motherhood for now. So I thought about what I could do...school at night? (but I can't settle on a degree that makes sense for me) study music (but I can't make much money with that...what's the point) be in a another play (but that takes so much time from being with Justin at night and weekends) What can I do that will make me feel like more of a human being again???

So the next morning I opened up my scriptures and said a little prayer that I might be lucky enough to land on a scripture that would inspire me that day. I first stumbled on MARK 9:37 "Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, recieveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, recieveth not me, but him that sent me"

This led me to look in the topical guide under "children". I skimmed the references and settled on one in PSALMS 113:9 which read...

"He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord."

Well this is the most profound scripture I have found for myself to date! In essence I am "barren" which is how I was blessed to adopt 4 amazing children that were clearly meant for our family. I have not been the best mom I could be and everyone who knows me knows I definitely struggle to keep up on my housework. I just kept re-reading that scripture all day a literally chuckling out loud to myself. Heavenly Father has a sense of humor! I knew then that my answer to my "joy" was not outside of my duty as mother and homemaker...but to be more actively in it!

Moved out...Moved in and trying to Move on!

I am happy to report that after I turned on a TV show this morning after attempting to keep it off for a while...Brooklyn was so excited that she told me I am a "Rock Star" like her! Glad somebody thinks so!

After a whirl wind 2 months since getting Lincoln and year of madness...we are officially moved out of the Balboa house and in this beautiful mansion of a house that we are renting for 2 years. I admit that with the stairs and the size I have called Justin on his cell phone rather than hike upstairs to talk to him. I am very reflective tonight. I am not sure why we have ended up here. Let's back up...

May of 2007 we finally finished a 3 1/2 year project of our home we had built in Casa Grande. That is another story, but in the nick of time we got water and power out to the home in time to sell it to my father-in-law. The proceeds of which paid off some debt and allowed for a significant down payment on our "dream home" we purchased on Val Vista and Ray...ALSO in May of '07. We had a contract on our home in Tone Ranch which was promised to close in a week and for fear of not wanting to lose the deal on our dream home...we went ahead and closed on it. We would be receiving $20K plus from the close of the Tone Ranch house and $50K plus from father-in-law once he go into the house and refinanced it (long story). We also had 2 houses under contract in Scottsdale that we would be fix and flipping. This would make for a total of 5 closings in ONE MONTH. Luckily we had the gut feeling to pull out of the Scottsdale deals as we could see the lending market beginning to go south and were nervouse that the equity margin was too close for comfort. All of these deals were proposed to us (and seemed to have fallen in our lap) by a mortgage broker. As the market went south...so quickly did his ability to get us us all the loans he had promised were easy peasy with our perfect credit! He ended up NOT getting us the loan for out dream house so we took it to Countrywide who got it done is 3 days. We didn't want to lose our $5K earnest money so we tried to shove it through because we wanted it so bad and we had all this other money coming! Boy...to do that over again. Instead, we not only lost that $5K earnest money, but the $50k from the casa grande house coming and the $20K from the Tone Ranch house PLUS the $30K we just put down on the dream house plus another $7K from repairs to the dream house that happened soon as we moved in PLUS double payments for 5 months and so on...ALL because we leaped before we looked long enough. The Tone Ranch house fell through about 3 weeks after we moved into the dream house and after having Nayeli placed with us and taken away. We had two houses now. We put them BOTH up for sale and had a ton of interest, but no bites on either. We were willing to live in whichever one didn't sell. We assumed our dream home would sell very quick and were getting 2-3 showings a week for 3 months! Justin even stepped down to the floor from management to make more money with overtime, but we still couldn't hang in there financially. No dice. After some divine intervention, we gave the dream home back to the bank and moved back into the Tone Ranch house (5 months after moving out).

Eventually we did get Naya back...just in time before I was going to check myself into the loony bin (although she was another significant UNexpected cost). She saved my spirit. Moving back to Tone Ranch felt so right at that point. We fixed it up the way we always wanted and prepared to stay for a long time. Unfortunately...our credit cards that were paid off just 5 months earlier had been so racked up that the debt was more than we could bare. We have been preparing for months to do what I considered the ultimate failure...bankruptcy.

I remember about 2 and a half months ago sitting in my bedroom with Justin and saying "I wonder what we will look back on this year and say. It seems like not much is happening." HA HA HA So...now we have Lincoln. I think getting lincoln and feeling so squished up in that house with just one greatroom really made us think. If we were going to get out of that house, now seemed to be the right time. We are too upside down to sell and in an interest-only arm. If our payment was fixed..we would have probably stayed. But the economy is getting worse and housing values will not increase fast enough for us to be able to refinance. Plus now our perfect credit has taken a break..if you know what I mean. So the day after we brought Lincoln home, we met again with our attorney and discussed surrendering the house. It was settled. Then we set out to find a rental (preferably an lease option so we wouldn't have to move again...this being the 3rd time in about a year). We had to hurry before we were late on our mortgage payment so our credit wouldn't look even worse and we had to have a lease contract in order to file our BK. I cannot express how complicated this has been.

So we finally filed for a chapter 7 BK on June 6th and our 341 hearing (meeting of the creditors) is tomorrow. This is THE BIG meeting. There is a ton of gray area in BK and basically it's the trustee's job to try to force you in to a chapter 13 BK where you pay back your creditors. The chapter 7 is the "wipe out" of your debt...the "clean slate" and is hard to get if you make decent money. So I have tried to keep positive about this. I don't know what we will be asked and I hope I am prepared to answer honestly, but in a way that makes sense. This BK is not over and is certainly not as easy as saying "sorry I am bankrupt...take away my debt". There are so many things that can come up and it can be drug out for a long time...or not!

So I know that Heavenly Father is aware and has definitely provided miracles in the way our family has come together. So why will he not provide for us financially? I know he will and it just may not be in the way I want ...(with all of my brains and wisdom)

So I opened my scipitures tonight and really hoped to land on something of comfort. Something that would help me know I am heard. I landed on

Alma 57:26-27 "....And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God, because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe-that there was a just God. and whosoever did not doubt, that they should be preserved by his marvelous power."

"Now this is the faith of these of whom I have spoken: they are young, and their minds are firm, and they do continually put their trust in God."

This is when Helaman is telling of his Ammonite army of 2060 men and how they defended a city called Cumeni against the Lamenites. Because of the steadfast and unwavering faith of those men...though they were wounded, they were preserved and did not die.

Though I feel wounded, this scripture reminds me that if I am steadfast in faith, I have nothing to fear or worry about. I know so many people with many different trials right now. Some deal with the sickness or death of a family member, some struggle with their testimonies and worth, MANY are of a humbling financial nature right now. I am grateful that through the hard times, I can see the Lord's hand sustaining me and my family. I am blessed with far too much to complain. I complain so often. Shame on me.

So I still am not sure why we ended up here in this house. I hope it is the right choice for us. I doubt my ability to discern sometimes. I do know that we have learned some lessons we will not soon forget about money and decision making. We have always been more of risk takers and I now envy those that have played it safe. But at the same time, I am grateful for lessons that have brought me back to my Father in Heaven and that have continued to teach me the true meaning of patience and faith.

I am especially grateful for the scriptures tonight.